Making decisions is part of life. Everyday, each one of us makes some decision. What to wear; whether or not to put on make-up; to walk or get the bus; to get an Americano or a Cappucino; to cook dinner from scratch or throw on a pizza; to study Chemistry or Biology; to text back or not to text back. Each of these decisions, in their own little way, is important.

There are other decisions out there, alot more important though. How do you know which is the right way to go? That is, if there is even any correct choice. I had to make a decision yesterday and it was one of those decisions. Whichever route I chose, I knew I would regret my choice. There were pros and cons to both sides and I had to decide what to go with. My reasons for choosing wither were both for wrong reasons, but along with a friend, we made a decision.

I hate the decision we made. I'd have hated the alternative too. It's a catch 22. Wow, what a cliché. But it's the truth.

The only thing I'm scared about, in the aftermath of this decision, is that choosing the other option could have given me even more opportunities. I'm wondering had I chosen the other path, would it have changed my life? The other option would be to work on a project closely related to what I think I want to do with my life, just in a capacity that I don't want. And it's killing me inside to wonder if doing this project would open my eyes to the world and introduce me to people who could make my dream become reality.

Or am I over-analysing everything? Is it really not that big a deal at all? I should be in control of my own destiny. Sound engineering at 17 isn't going to give a life-long career, is it? The uncertainty in my mind will always be there, one way or another, and it's something I have to live with.

That's it.


As I sat in the window of a coffee shop yesterday, a friend made me go through the CHOICE process of decision-making, for the laugh. Here it is, in case you ever require such a system. You should so have listened in JC Religion..

Check out the facts.
Have you understood the influences?
Others can help, seek advice.
In quiet time examine your conscience, ask God for help.
Choose what you think is right.
Evaluate your decision afterwards.

So useful in a multitude of eventualities...

Every Monday, Tuesday and Friday I have Irish in a classroom with an amazing view. When I sit down in the back corner of the room I can see all the way up as far as the city centre.

From day to day the view varies. Some days it's raining and misty and dull and cloudy. Others it's sunny and bright and clear and fresh. It doesn't matter whether it dry or wet, there's still something absolutely magical about that view. It's like you're here, inside this classroom, with a 28 other people wearing the same clothes and listening to a woman try to teach you something. Only a few metres away, there's a completely different world going on. There's women (and men) doing jobs at home, or watching tv, or on the phone. There's people commuting to and from work, meetings, catching up with friends. There's students struggling to drag their hungover heads out of bed.

And all this, separated by a mere sheet of double-glazed glass. You are so near, but yet so cut off, and so separated from this world you desperately long to be a part of. I can see various UCC buildings. It makes me think of how the only reason I am sitting in classrooms for 7 hours a day is so that, in two years time, I can be there. I can be sitting in lecture theatres learning about stuff that interests me; that is my passion.

And for a split second, I am motivated by that thought. But then I come back to reality; I focus on the teacher, and I wish, I wish so hard, that I could be a kilometre downstream walking around the Quad, or strolling down College Road, or having a coffee in town. I want to be living a life out there with the rest of the world.

Being me, and enjoying the little things, one day at a time.

A few nights ago I had a dream about this guy I knew. My ex-tennis coach to be exact. He was only doing it for the few bobs really, but out of every single tennis coach I have had, he is by far my favourite. He was a cool guy. And I dreamed about him. I dreamed about hugging him in front of all my peers. I don't know what that means. I'm not big into the whole interpreting dreams thing, but to me, it's like it's telling me that I miss him, and that I want to be close to him again.

He moved away, to foreign lands, so i no longer see him. But now I know other people; others who have followed in his footsteps in recent times. And I'm worried I'll lose them too. What sucks so much is that I'm not best friends with them, because I can't be. Who am I to them? Compared to everyone else they've left behind, who am I to be the one Facebooking them or on MSN to them? They leave, and you can't do anything else. Try and talk to them as much as possible and you look a bit stalkerish and desperate, because they're not your best friend.

And like that, they're gone. People you may have only just been getting to know. For me, it's only just starting. People you wanted to get to know so badly just disappear off into the sunset. College draws people like magnets. This time next year I'll be thinking about what to put down on my CAO form, and this time two years, alot of my friends will have gone their separate ways. It's a scary thought.

It feels like only yesterday that friends were made and lost in seconds; that school meant a day of playtime; and all my problems and drama didn't exist.