I had an Irish test today on 'An Bhean Óg', which went surprisingly well. Despite the fact that I hadn't learned either of the essays we were going to be getting, I managed to write two-and-three-quarter pages. School actually wasn't too bad today.

My dad bought a new car the other day. Well new to him, 5 years old to the world. It's pretty. One day, long in the future, after I've had the Polo, the Corsa, the Corolla and so on, I'd like to have a car like his, but in shiny black.

You know sometimes when you've got this feeling, but you can't place it. Like you feel like there's something you should be worrying about, or stressed about, or maybe even happy about, but you just can't seem to remember what it is. Or like you've messed something up, but you can't remember. I kind of have that feeling. In the negative way.

Maybe it's just that I feel I should be starting my homework, but maybe it's something more than that. Maybe I feel like I've disappointed someone in some way. Like I should have accepted their invitation and now I regret it. Sometimes I am so, so stupid.

I know I never appreciate people when I have them, and that I always want people when I can't have them; always lusting after what I can't have. What's so much worse is when you had someone before, but didn't want them, and let them go, but now you want them and you can't have them.

Sometimes I just want to talk to someone. Who am I kidding, not someone, but that one. Him. I loved the chats we used to have. I told him so much, and he listened, he really did. He gave me advice, and made me smile every minute of every day. I know it's not like that any more, but for that happiness he gave me, I am forever grateful.

Now, I worry about him. I always have. Not in a way that affects me every waking moment, but I know there's something up with him at times. It makes me sad, because, beneath it all, he's just a big softie who needs someone to love him. In ways, I wish so badly I could give him that, just give him a hug, or say something, or be someone, who makes his isolation go away.

It's weird how much his name means to me. When I see it, it's like it says so much. We talked about stuff I wouldn't be blabbing about every day and it's just...

Now that he's gone, I don't miss him. But I do cherish those memories I have, even if to others, they look like nothing.

But now, I need someone else. But until I find him, what do I do now?

I am sitting at home on the couch. Pure bliss. Well, relatively. Another Monday has come and gone. Funny how during holidays, Mondays are the best. Like last Monday I felt like the rest of my life lay ahead. I mean, seriously, a whole week. School would never come around, right?!

Mondays tend to go pretty fast anyway because I've a double business, and classes are 5 minutes shorter than the other days. Got two tests back today. The bad news first: 86% in Maths. Now for the good news: 100% in Chemistry. Woo! Science rocks...

Right now I want to find some of that chocolate that my brother got trick-or-treating at the weekend, but my mother has hidden. Lovely, just lovely. I can have an orange, or a cracker with my cup of coffee instead. How appetising.

I like how it's dark so much earlier now, but I hate how it's brighter in the mornings. Mornings should be dark and sleepy, not bright and happy. This morning, I couldn't remember whether my dad had woken me or not, but my door was open, so I figured I had been roused. I went to switch on my lamp and my aunt who's staying with us appeared in the doorway with a cheery "Good morning!" I am very sorry, but that is just NOT something a person who wishes to continue their life on this planet says. I could have shot her. It is just plain wrong. She shouldn't even be up and dressed at that hour, not to mention bidding us all a good morning. Grr...mornings = dark, depressing, quiet, moody, tired. Got that?

I haven't had a day off school in ages, where everyone else is out, and a day that I don't need to have a shower coz my hair looks good anyway, and I can just cuddle up under my duvet on the couch and watch crappy daytime tv. Even at that, it's more the thought of it than anything else that's appealing. If I do have a day off, I prefer to get up and make the most of it. Generally, I tend to go to town at the crack of dawn, purely because I need a lift to the suburbs with the 'rents, and I wait around for a few hours until my friends come in. Not as bad as it sounds, I swear.

I still have my Biology homework left to do, and then maybe a weensy bit of study, and then a shower, and if I've time, I might actually open that Theory Test handbook. I crave freedom.